The past few days, with pride an all coming to an end, I’ve been thinking about the past few years.
It’s coming up on 2 years that I have been officially ”out” (the anniversary of which I set on coming out to my parents, which eliminated the need to keep anyone else in the dark really).
Why did I need to come out?
I think about this a lot.
I think it was really important to me for both selfish and altruistic reasons.
It was good for people to see that someone they knew well was gay. I think it takes beliefs about “them” to beliefs about my son, friend, family. About Aaron.
I was so tired of living life without being honest with everyone. It’s so cliche, but it’s really true. It gets tiring. It gets really tiring.
That’s brought up an interesting problem for me though, because now that people can get close, I’ve learned that I’m not great at letting people get close. I don’t like it, it feels wrong to me, feels like they will discover something that they already know.
Old habits die hard, I guess.
Thinking about coming out makes me nauseous. I don’t know why it’s portrayed as this amazing thing like “YAY YOU’RE OUT”. Sure, for some people it is, and by no means was mine that horrible. It still just sucks. Everything sucked for a solid year or so. Things still kind of suck sometimes. I guess that’s life though. It’s just weird.
Nothing like running away to an island in the pacific to forget about it all. (Or be forced to work though it).
“No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world”—Blinding — Florence and the Machine
1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
5. You can have one of the following two things:Love, Trust. Which do you choose? Why?
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?
7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?
8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
11. Does love = sex?
12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?
15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?
18.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
21.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?
22. Are you old fashioned?
23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
24.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
25.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
His name was squishy and he came with us from the kitchen to the office and back. I showed him the world, a world that most waxworms don’t get to see (they can become very invasive if they get out and find a beehive… so they stay inside all the time). We decided that he took his knowledge back to the jar of worms bound to die and told them about the gods that showed him the world and how they were in and of themselves slaves and worked for the waxworm world and how we (the gods) were actually their slaves.
Squishy was right. See earlier post if you want to see what squishy looked like. He was in that pile I posted last and was likely fed to a bird who consumed him with gusto.
You will be missed. I hope you manage to wedge yourself in the lava rock on the ground and turn into a moth which will then be eaten or perhaps live your life trapped in an aviary.
I made the new girl cry. She cleaned my closet and then posted passive agressive notes all over the laundry room (This is the trash, please take it out when it’s full… bullshit) so I called her out on it. Very calmly like an adult.
She hasn’t talked to me since, and that’s an improvement.