“In the World War, we used propaganda to make the boys accept conscription. They were made to feel ashamed if they didn’t join the army. So vicious was this war propaganda that even God was brought into it. With few exceptions our clergymen joined in the clamor to kill, kill, kill. To kill the Germans. God is on our side…it is His will that the Germans be killed. And in Germany, the good pastors called upon the Germans to kill the allies…to please the same God. That was a part of the general propaganda, built up to make people war conscious and murder conscious. Beautiful ideals were painted for our boys who were sent out to die. This was the “war to end all wars.” This was the “war to make the world safe for democracy.” No one mentioned to them, as they marched away, that their going and their dying would mean huge war profits. No one told these American soldiers that they might be shot down by bullets made by their own brothers here. No one told them that the ships on which they were going to cross might be torpedoed by submarines built with United States patents. They were just told it was to be a “glorious adventure.”—Brigadier General Smedley D. Butler | War Is A Racket (via retropolitics)
Life is a wierd mix of the suck and good right now.
two things have (one fairly obviously) been plauging my day.
One being the Calculus test that I bombed today. that was a barrel of monkeys and a half, let me tell you. I left 2 questions unanswered (but not blank, maybe mercy points? Probably not…) on a 10 question test.
I really hate calculus. I don’t think it’s really usable in life. I know i can calculate the volume of wierd things and predict curves and whatnot, but seriously.
The second being something of major suck in my life.
This is me being somewhat unwillingly employed at my mom’s work.
My mom is an HR person at her work. She is in charge of scheduling and trying to get shifts covered (along with a thousand other more important things.)
Anyway, working under her was good for a while, until I started to get busy/ not want to work there anymore. Now, admittedly, I’m a terrible employee when it comes to the long-term. I just tend to bail out and get bored.
But having your boss also live with you and know when you don’t have anything to do/drop hints that they need extra hours of help right now and saying that this person that I really like who works there “Just keeps asking about you asking, Where’s Aaron. I tell her, ‘Well he just doesn’t like to work here.’”
I think it’s a pretty underhanded fucking way of going about things. I hate being made to feel shitty about my self. ESPECAILLY by my own fucking mother. Thanks for the help, but can do that and do do that on a fairly regular basis.
I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the manipulation. I’m sick of going into the place and being told that I don’t work enough and that I’m never there.
FUCK! I take classes a half hour away for most of the day, I’m having to do most of my learning at home for 2 of the 4 classes I’m taking because of furloughs and I am really busy. I have no social life at any of the places I reside because I’m never there very long, and then when I do come home to the one place that I do have some what of a sense of belonging, I get harassed about “not working.”
Truth be told, I can’t work there anymore. I can’t be the beckon call boy. That was fine when i was taking 14 units of lower division classes and not driving out there all that much. It’s fine when I have time. I fucking worked for 3 months this summer non-stop at quite possibly the hardest job that I have ever done, and the first thing my mom and I talk about is how she so desperately needs somebody to help my brother out at work.
Fuck that. The money (and it’s fucking good money too!) isn’t worth it to me.
So now I refuse to work there because it creates tension in my mom’s and I’s relationship, but that creates tension between us. It’s one of the worst lose-lose situations that i have been in. Either I do what she says the way she wants it (and she’ll lie to me to get me to do it, saying, oh no, you wont have to do that until all of a sudden the boss needs this, plllleeeeaassseee do it for me…) or you are a turncoat and I got you this job and it makes me look bad.
Well then fire me.
I don’t really care anymore.
I really don’t.
I’m going to put in 2 weeks notice and pretend that I never worked there so I can go back to real life.
Anyway, i feel a little bit better, but let me tell you that was a fun thing to come home to.
Today was a wierd mix of being productive and doing nothing. I’m not entirely sure what occured between the hours of 1 and 4.
I went to costco.
I talked with my mom about why we hate living here.
About how the midwest as a whole is a lot nicer and people just don’t hate eachother without knowing eachother there. It’s a strange concept to those of us out here on the north side of a tiny-ish bay in central california.
Then I got home, slept for an hour (AHA! thats what happened from 1-1:45.) and the whole time I dreamt about how my snake needed to eat.
Then I proceeded to the petshop and got mice. Yeah. That was a fiasco. So I always look at all the fish (and they have a really cool tetra in that i’m thinking about getting.) and then I work my way up to the counter. On my way up I noticed that they were lacking the shrimp that I need for my aquarium to get rid of this stupid anenome.. anyway, beside the point.
I got the mice. Put them in the car. Then I realized I was on E so i needed gas.
So I have to go to shell because my parents pay for the gas if I do, and in the 10 minuites that it takes me to get to the shell, get gas and candy, and leave, 2 of the four mice had chewed their way out of the box they gave me for them and were roaming around my car. Now I didn’t realize this until I was in the middle of an intersection and saw a mouse on the seat next to me.
Yelling profanities, I grabed the nearest conatiner that was some what suitable for holding it and I tossed it in the quiznos bag.
Sigh. Story of my life. haha.
Turns out all 4 had gotten out, and so most of the drive home was trying to keep the ones that I knew were still around in sight so I didn’t have to take my car apart looking for mice for the next couple days.
Anyway, I found all four pretty quickly when I got home and now they are in Annie’s belly.
May they rest in peace.
It’s a strange predicament that I am in. I have to feed one animal to another keep keep the one that I value more alive.
I guess it’s no different than me eating meat. I don’t know that I like it, but it’s something I have to do.
Then I came home, put the bird outside (in her cage) and hung out. I didn’t really do anything.
It was really nice.
I like these kind of days, even though now, at 12:00 I’m starting to want to go out. It’s the lights in my room. They make me want to party. haha.
"All around me are familiar faces Worn out places, worn out faces Bright and early for their daily races Going nowhere, going nowhere Their tears are filling up their glasses No expression, no expression Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow No tomorrow, no tomorrow…
And I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad The dreams in which I’m dying Are the best I’ve ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles It’s a very, very mad world … mad world Enlarging your world Mad world”
I’m so tired of my life right now.
If I was perfectly honest I think that swimming as far as I can into the ocean would be amazing.
I feel alive though, so it’s better then feeling dead inside, right?
I want to move to Minneapolis. I don’t know what I’d do, but I want to experience a winter.
I want to live in Florida and get really buff and wander around in a Speedo and get hit on all the time.
I want to move to New York and be a hipster.
I want to move to Capetown and be metropolitan and drink martinis.
I want to live in Kenya and Hike all day and work in fields planting crops and feeding children.
I want to live on a small grecian island living off the land, learning the language and pretending I’m something I’m not.
I want to be in a bed in London with you.
I want to be a humanitarian, the apex of philanthropy, dedicating my life to helping people.
I want to be cruel and break hearts and run away from everything that I want.
I want to be a Marine Biologist and work for an Aquarium in the middle of the US.
I want to be an English major and write stories again and disect ones that are already written.
I want to be known and unknown all at once.
I want a fresh start.
I want to live.
I want to live my life by my rules.
I want to make mistakes and fall down and hurt myself.
I want to get addicted to Cocaine and have to go to rehab.
I want to be a casanova.
I want to fall in love 3000 times and have a little black book to prove it.
I want to be rebelious.
I want to be a new person.
I want to be who I am.
Not who people think I am.
I’m tired of that. I’m tired of living lies that I have to live to be in this life that I hate.
I am done.
"If you let it, it all goes away.. hey… if you let it, it all goes away."
“And to me God’s a metaphor,
a metphor for everything that is strange.
I take his name in vain a lot,
but I’m not sure just what it means these days.
Sometimes I wish that I was still religous, along with some other wishes, but i don’t think that God would know my name.
But I was forgiven in bygone days… when I still knew how to pray…
And all the words were etched in Gold in the bible I stole from my teacher in second grade, the one I didn’t mean to take… oh what would Jesus say?”—
Lauren O’Connell — 1988
(Sometimes I feel this way, but I’m afraid to admit it)
I hear you’ve got a pocket full of words That you keep in the garage Together with the feather and the fireworks A surftown hero who’s got one foot in the garden Where the neon-lighted cocktail glasses bloom And they built you a model airplane Like the one that brought you back to Lindbergh field Now you’re counting your change by the streetlights on India "Hey, it’s me again, I’m faded…could I please come over?"
You can do what you want In umbilical town In a waterfront bar
Old gap-toothed Annie was a friend of mine The third time around she was born again She must have burned at least a half-a-million dollars In the little rooms next door to wash-and-fold And there ain’t no consolation prize There is no backdoor to innocence Just the wild-eyed faces and names that you’ve forgotten "Hey, the money’s gone, I’m broken, could I please come over?"
You can do what you want In umbilical town In that waterfront bar
I’ve been dreaming we were born together I’ve been thinking about it 'Been lurking backstreets-kicking down alleyways I’ve been thinking about it How it’s always worse than it appears Raskolnikov’s out on the stairs Howling at the man in the moon They say he lost control Between the suburbs and the barrio Tired from too much too soon Now the air is thick with compromises We’re always on the way So I take comfort in the only life I know
Well you can do what you want In umbilical town At the waterfront bar In umbilical town You can do what you want You can do what you want You can do what you want
"Her father was an astronaut And all the other things the little boys dreamed about Staring at the ceiling Laying on their backs and bellies Caught up in the season Playing on the front porch, swinging Baseballs in the backlot Talkin words that don�t have meanings Her father was an astronaut
Her father was a cowboy Ridin towards the big sun setting Bullets in the bad guys Beans around the campfire, singing Tunes bout the old trails Talkin words that don�t have meanings Her father was a cowboy
And in my sleep my hair grows It�s hard to keep these things that We have in common anymore Anymore, anymore
Her father was a prostitute Selling his own body To men across the business table How to make an offer Talkin words that don�t have meanings Your father was a prostitute
And in the rain storm Windshield wipers steer the fates of The car drivers and I am putting all my faith in These doors keeping all my secrets safe and warm Warm, warm
It�s not certain whether you are right or you are wrong And it�s not certain whether plane tickets will break my fall But I�m hoping that sitting next to the telephone�s twisting chords Will keep me til the time you call Oh, oh
Her father was a Casanova Her father was a palindrome Her father was a picture taker Her father held the head of the women that he loved in his own hands Her blood is mine, her blood is yours Hands, and we will burst inside these borders Clinging tight to these ideas It�s hard to keep these things that we have in common anymore Anymore, anymore, anymore”
Danielle ate the Sandwich— things we have in common.
I walked in from work today and my dad was all, “i’m having psychotic episodes! i can hear voices!” and he was dead serious…like as in hear voices like they gave him medication to make the bad voices go away.
that guy freaks me out some time. some father he is.
If it makes you feel any better, the asshole of a dad I have threatened to not do the vows for her friend’s weding that he said he would do because he was pissed at my mom. He also got pissed because I told him he was like a 15 year old when he started listing all the stuff that he does for her. Then he threatened to leave this family and move out for the 2nd time this year. It’s a pretty regular thing.