Okay, I don’t want to be a snob or anything, but today, I’m chilling in the library and hanging out and because it’s finals week there is a ton of people in here. No problem right?
Wrong. I found a nice little nook to chill in for the next FOUR hours woking on homeowork (also known as falling asleep while my hand is holding up my head and then falling off of it and waking up mid fall) and I even found a footstool.
Then it happened. Somone sat in one of the 4 chairs that is around me.
Why right here? I don’t know. There was a perfectly good chair that I was starting at when he sat down.
And now it’s really awkward, like when somone sits next to you on an Airplane flight despite the fact that the plane isn’t even close to being full.
And now I’m formulating an evac plan that wont offend him, as I want to sleep but I don’t feel right doing that with somone so close to me. What I’m going to do?
1. Go to the bathroom, as my body is requiring that of me right now.
2. This will involve packing up my stuff (I can’t just leave my laptop in the library all alone).
3. Moving to the third floor and praying that one of the couches is open, so I don’t have to come back down here. cause that is just awkward.
Operation find a place to sleep (OFAPTS) is in progress. Wish me luck.
"If I’m hiding in the sleeves Of my coat When my father runs undressed He’s pointing at my throat And my brother has a fit In the snow And the traffic stops for miles We take him by the elbow
Oh my God The shuffling at the floor A mind that knows itself Is a mind that knows much more
So we run back Scrambling for cover A mind that knows itself Has a mind to kill the other
(Oh my God No one came to our side To carry us away from danger)
Oh my God He left us now for dead He left us now for dead”
Sufjan Stevens - The Mistress Witch from McClure (or the mind that knows itself)
I think it’s time for a change.
I have 20 days until I leave for camp.
I have 20 days.
Less than a month.
I can not believe it, honestly.
I need to start getting my stuff in order, or else I will not have time to get it in order.
I need to read this article on AIDS and find the best arguments. I need to get this presentation in my Service Learning Class done. I need to write the Journals that I haven’t been writing. I need to study the cell cycle. I need to work on my Calculus word problems so I can do them on the test.
Life is good tumblr.
Life is really good, despite all that I have to get done.
I just need to get this done and then I can leave.
This is not what guarding my heart looks like…no matter what excuses I make up in my mind.
Not that giving up is a bad thing…I think it’s a good thing really. It’s just scary and confusing.
I’m trying to find a new store to transfer to…to get away from him…because what I’m doing right now is not guarding my heart and I can’t keep my heart safe if he’s going to keep acting like this.
So I need to give up and get away from him. now.
I have been reading your recent notes about gaurding your heart, and today I realized I didn’t really don’t have an understanding what that means. So I googled it and read this article to try and understand more of what it means. I know, being a GE kid, that the term gets thrown around, especially on relationship night, and that it gets interpreted as we shouldn not date ever and let God bring the right person to you, and that there is ONE person out there for you.
If I’m being honest, I think that this is rediculous. I don’t think there is one person for you (cynical I know), I don’t think you just magically learn how to love and have a relationship without going through some sort of pain. If it’s with the person that you spend the rest of your life with? Great. If it isn’t? It sucks, but everyone goes through it, and there are other fish in the sea.
They brought up this point in the article, the fact that to many people, gaurding your heart means not ever letting that person know enough about you to hurt you. I think that this is interesting, as in order to get to know somone well enough to marry them you have to take that risk. You have to open up. While I agree that you need to be careful about who you share your life with, the article sums it up well at the end as “
The Christian dating culture seems to rebel against the idea that God might lead us down the relationship road far enough to get hurt, but not so far as marriage. We will go to great lengths to avoid this excruciating state of limbo. But what if this pain is fully within God’s plan for us?
It’s like the blind man in John 9. He didn’t suffer because he sinned. He suffered so that Jesus would have an opportunity to glorify the Father through his healing. So, if you wind up investing in a relationship that doesn’t lead to marriage, don’t see it as a moral failure (unless you have actually failed morally). Don’t see it as the thwarting of God’s plan for your life. It could be that God is refining you with His fire, painfully burning away your impurities — bringing healing to you and glory to Himself as He does so.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that before you make all these major changes in your life to try and gaurd your heart (a very admirable task, I must say) seriously pray about it first, and consider the resoning behind it. Is it because you are afraid of getting hurt. In this relationship, are you going to get hurt uneededly? Is there no way it will ever work out?
Know that you are an amazing person. Know that you are worth it. And your a valid and worthy of finding somone who will love you. Know that this will hurt, and it will require being open with somone who is sinful and human and will potentially hurt you. And while it sucks, know that it is NOT outside of God’s plan for your life.
This was just something I was thinking about. I’m sorry if you don’t want advice.
Oh! And don’t get discouraged about classes getting canceled. Just keep trying, maybe try some other classes. Usually about 2 of my classes each semester get canceled.
“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken … The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”—C.S. Lewis
The people around me probably think I’m a creeper. I’m not I’m just tired and keep wanting to look at the ocean!
"I’m not afraid of you now, I know So I climbed down from the bunk beds this low
I can talk back to you now, I know From a few things I learned from this TV show
You can work late till midnight, we don’t care We can fix our own meals, we can wash our own hair
I go to school before sunrise, in the cold And I pulled the alarm, and I kicked up the salad bowls
Since that time we meant to say much Unsaid things begin to change After school we shoveled through the snow ??? stayed inside with silence in the cold
You can remind me of it That I was lazy and tired You can work all your life as I’m not afraid of you anymore
If I loved you a long time, I don’t know If I can’t recall the last time you told me so
Here in this house in Pittsfield The ghost of our grandmother works at the sewing machine post Hiding the bills in the kitchen on the floor And my sister lost her best friend in the Persian Gulf War There was a flood in the bathroom last May And you kicked at the pipes when it rattled oh the river it made
Stand there, tell me that I’m of no use Things unspoken break us if we share There’s still time to wash the kitchen floor On your knees, at the sink once more You can remind me that I was tired You can work late and give yourself up Now that I’m older, wiser, and working less I don’t regret having left the place a mess
You can remind me that I was lazy and tired You can recall your life as I’m not afraid of you, anymore Anymore”
Pittsfield, the Avalanche.
"When the revenant came down, We couldn’t imagine what it was. In the spirit of three stars. The alien thing that took its form. Then to Lebanon, oh God. The flashing at night, the sirens grow and grow. Oh, history involved itself. Mysterious shade that took its form. Or what it was, incarnation, three stars. Delivering signs and dusting from their eyes.”
Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois — Comon Feel the Illinois
I think that I am getting way too comfortable at the library at CSUMB. You know when you wakl into a place and it feels like home, despite the fact that it isn’t, may be a sign that you spend too much time there.
I think it’s because the couches are way comfortable, and yeah. I’m just really tired too, and I have 2 hour untill my next class starts. I want to nap out here on the ocuch, but I have never seen anyone else do that, so I think it would probably just be considered weird. I’m just so completely exhausted today.
I don’t really know why, I slept a ton last night. i think life is just trying to catch up with me. I think that the key to not falling alseep is to either stay caught up with everything, or just stay so far ahead of your sleep schedule that your constanly on your second wind for the day.
I had weird dreams last night. I was at my old church and they prayed for my family because we were such heathens and haven’t been to church. I played on my I-pod the entire time because I was awkward, and no one would talk to me.
I’m pretty sure I should just get a camera that attaches to my jacket and records my day. I’m sure it would be pretty funny.
In other news, my Ipod fell out of my pocket on Monday and was stolen.
"You can remind me, that I was lazy and tired, You can work all your life as, I’m not afraid of you,
: ) I love this song by Sufie.
Thats what I call him now.
In my brain of course.
Because I don’t want to be that kid.
Theres something about being barefoot in the library that makes me want to sleep.
mewithoutyou is playing at slims in SF on June 23 and I expect everyone who reads this blog and can tolerate thier music to go see them and beg them to call me while I’m at camp getting my butt kicked.
"I close my eyes and I smile Knowing that everything is alright To the core So close that door Is this happening?
My breath is on your hair I’m unaware That you opened the blinds and let the city in God, you held my hand And we stand Just taking in everything.
And I knew it from the start So my arms are open wide Your head is on my stomach And we’re trying so hard not to fall asleep Here we are On this 18th floor balcony. We’re both flying away.
So we talked about mom’s and dad’s About family pasts Just getting to know where we came from Our hearts were on display For all to see I can’t believe this is happening to me
And I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours That I was so yours for the taking I’m so yours for the taking That’s when I felt the wind pick up I grabbed the rail while choking up These words to say and then you kissed me…
I knew it from the start So my arms are open wide Your head is on my stomach And we’re trying so hard not to fall asleep Here we are On this 18th floor balcony… We’re both flying away.
And I’ll try to sleep To keep you in my dreams 'til I can bring you home with me I’ll try to sleep And when I do I’ll keep you in my… dreams
I knew it from the start So my arms are open wide Your head is on my stomach And we’re trying so hard not to fall asleep So here we are On this 18th floor balcony, yeah
I knew it from the start My arms are open wide Your head is on my stomach No, we’re not going to sleep
Here we are On this 18th floor balcony… we’re both.. Flying away”
People never fail to disappoint me. It’s all good. I’ll survive.
Quite honestly? Marriage is such a joke to me anyway, I can’t see who would even care.
I can’t help but worry about our society when the fact that two people want to get married in the eyes of the state (and simply get equal rights to their diffrently sexualy oriented counterparts) gets more attention then the fact that sex slavery is still a major problem in this country. Or the fact that AIDS is still very much alive and well and killing people at a higher rate because my generation is forgetting what it was like to lose friends to AIDS. Or even the fact that people are still judged based on race in much of the united states and treated very differently.
It amazes me the things people will waste time on because the hard questions are too hard to ask.
*side note —I think it’s ironic that Tiffany and I do these random my-name-is-Aaron, and-here’s-what-I’m-full-of-fail-for things because because for me, this is basically serving the same purpose as AA does for an alcoholic.
Today, even though it is only noon, has been a very interesting day. I officially have 2 hours off, with not even any homework to do. It’s strange.
I woke up this morning in a funk, kind of spinning off my overthinking of stuff from the past couple days.
I’m going to be kinda honest here and post something about me that I don’t usually post on the Internet.
What has really been putting me in a funk is the fact that I have to wear a t-shirt and shorts, and I didn’t realize that, or make the connection until we were sitting in my service learning class talking about advertising and how it effects us, especially focusing on the kids that we are working with. Now, I know that females are bombarded with it a lot more than men are, but lets take a look at what men are on TV and in advertisement.
All the guys are cut, or at least in shape, have super cut faces, and not a spot of hair anywhere on them. I challenge you to find a guy that is being portrayed as attractive and interesting who isn’t. I mean, even the guys in their 40s are portrayed as living their lives as fit, buff men.
Is that a realistic view of men in the world? Absolutely not.
Those men would have to be in the gym for 4 hours a day every day or they would start to seriously lose the cutness.
Are men born into this world, especially white European men, with no hair? Well, yes, when they are born, but in reality, most men do have some kind of hair.
Girls have this unrealistic view of themselves due to advertising, this need to be super thin, white, and no blemishes. guys have the same thing, its just you need to be cut, fit, have a nicely shaped face, and, as long as I’m being honest, hung. That’s what the media tells us. And I think that we largely overlook the fact that many guys, especially the ones who have a hard time losing weight for whatever reason, have serious self confidence and body image issues, and we’re less likely to be honest about it because there’s this need to be the tough guy, and its okay when fit guys joke with you about it, and yeah, it’s all a joke. There are some things that we can’t change.
And what’s really been bothering me is the fact that it has been so hot out, I can’t layer my clothes and try to hide the fact that I am carrying a keg.
I try to focus on making myself look thin by distracting from my extra weight with clothes that hide it and look good on their own.
And what really bothers me is that I feel like because I am not perfect, I’m not in shape, that I will never ever find someone who will love me.
And that is what’s freaking me out. Not what was said yesterday, not the fact that I’m tired, but that I’m not comfortable with how I am.
And I’m working on it, but it’s hard.
It’s amazing how different you get treated when you are thin. I remember coming back from panama, and I was tan and I had lost around 25 lbs overall since I had left, and I came back to school, and people who wouldn’t have talked to me were talking to me, and i got hit on a lot. I had friends who never wanted to hang out who wanted to all of a sudden.
It was nice, but now that I think about it, it just really pisses me off.
I mean, who are you to treat me like less of a human being because I was really white and had long hair and was pretty big?
Anyway. that’s the end of my rant. It could go on, and it probably will in my journal, but yeah.
Remember, guys are just as fragile about their self image. And yeah, the big guy will laugh about the fact that he looks like he could eat a cow or more than any other guys, but he’s probably laughing and being hurt at the same time.
I think it’s time we all be a bit more sensitive and realize that no human is perfect, we are all different, and that, that alone, is what makes us beautiful.
Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe Im too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight youre on my mind so you never know
When Im broken down and hungry for your love
with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child
you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage hes done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one
So Ill wait for you… and Ill burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn
Oh lover, you shouldve come over
cause its not too late