I’m going to sleep now because I have to work tomorrow.
Lotro before bed? Yes.
Probably. Until the Goblins kill me, then I’ll just be angry and go to sleep.
Love the new comp, btw.
Don’t love the fact that our router kicks everyone off every 20-30 mins.
I had a great time tonight. I hung out with my brother and his friend and then two of my friends. It was just a really good evening that was fun and funny.
Makes me miss when we did that on a daily basis during our breaks. Its weird having the old crew move away and go do things with their lives, and I’m sort of stationary here. I’m meeting more new people, but everyone is so temporary. I guess that I am too.
“I’m looking in on the good life i might be doomed never to find. Without a trust or flaming fields am i too dumb to refine? And if you’d ‘a took to me like, Well i’d a danced like the queen of the eyesores, And the rest of our lives would ‘a fared well.”
There were sheepherders camping in the neighborhood. They had set night watches over their sheep. Suddenly, God’s angel stood among them and God’s glory blazed around them. They were terrified. The angel said, “Don’t be afraid. I’m here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody, worldwide: A Savior has just been born in David’s town, a Savior who is Messiah and Master. This is what you’re to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger.”
Rad. Not a king in robes, not a triumphant caravan.
A baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger.
“Man must cease attributing his problems to his environment, and learn again to exercise his will - his personal responsibility in the realm of faith and morals”—Albert Schweitzer (Nobel Peace Prize winner 1952)
“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.”—Wayne Dyer
“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.”—Albert Ellis
I guess the floor was wet so I'm cold and I'm all alone
'Cause I was running down the stairs I didn't think that I could fall
But gravity took over me and I crumpled like a ball
But if you would pick me up I'd be obliged
Dust me off and push my hair aside
Well it's later than I thought, and I thought it was pretty late
I guess everyone's asleep, wonder why I'm still awake
I could fall asleep right here with my hands under my head
There's a body in this stairwell, call the cops I think she's dead
But if you would pick me up I'd be obliged
Dust me off and push my hair aside
Well I can't lie, perhaps I didn't trip
I've been having troubles lately and I got something to admit
See I was standing at the top thinking about the earth
It's been so hard to just keep living so I thought it might be worth it
But if you would pick me up I'd be obliged
Dust me off and push my hair aside
Kiss me goodbye."
I don’t really know why. I guess it lets me think. Or something.
I was thinking about many things today on the drive back from Morro Bay, thanks to some interesting conversations with Dustin today. I find it amazing how you kind of have to just take something for what it is. Its really neat to also look into a movie and dissect every detail.
Its a lot better to do that with movies than with poetry.
Another thing I was thinking about for a while is about how in order to sustain our lives, we have to end other creatures lives. It’s almost as if there is some sort of life force that all life has, and in order to survive you have to consume that life force. We know that life force as sugar and nutrients, but imagine what life was like before we knew that. All we knew was that we consumed and ended life in order to sustain ours. What a fascinating concept.
In a way, you are ending one life, resigning one spirit to it’s final resting place, but the physical never goes away. Its really interesting if you ask me.
anyway. It’s way to late for these philosophical ramblings. I’m going to bed. Someday I’ll actually update you tumblr.
Graduated high school. Kissed someone. Smoked cigarettes. Got so drunk you passed out. Rode every ride at an amusement park. Collected something really stupid. Gone to a rock concert. Helped someone. Gone fishing. Watched four movies in one night. Gone long periods of time with out sleep. Lied to someone. Been dumped. Failed a class. Dealt drugs. Taken a college level course. Been in a car accident. (well really close) Been in a tornado. Watched someone die. Been to a funeral. Burned yourself.(on accident) Ran a marathon. Your parents got divorced. Cried yourself to sleep. Spent over $200 in one day. Flown on a plane. Cheated on someone. Been cheated on. Written a 10 page letter. Gone skiing. Been sailing. Cut yourself. (on accident) Had a best friend. Lost someone you loved Shoplifted something. Been to jail. Had detention. Skipped school. Got in trouble for something you didn’t do. Stolen books from the library. Gone to a different country. Dropped out of school. Been in a mental hospital. Watched the “Harry Potter” movies. Had an online diary. Fired a gun. Gambled in a casino. Had a yard sale. And a lemonade stand. Actually made money at the lemonade stand. Been in a school play. Been fired from a job. Taken a lie detector test. Swam with dolphins. Gone to sea world. Attempted suicide. Voted for American/Australian Idol. Written poetry. Read more than 20 books a year. Gone to Europe. Wondered about your sexuality. Used a coloring book over age 12. Had surgery. Had stitches. Taken a taxi. Seen the Washington Monument. Had more than 5 IM’s/online conversations going at once. Overdosed. Had a drug or alcohol problem. Been in a fist fight. Suffered any form of abuse. Had a hamster. Petted a wild animal. Used a credit card. Gone surfing in California. Dyed your hair. Got a tattoo. Had something pierced. Got straight A’s. Been on the Honor Roll. Known someone with HIV or AIDS. Taken pictures with a webcam. Started a fire. Had a party while your parents weren’t home. Gotten caught having a party while they were gone.
I ninjaed this from somone who I don’t know. It made me feel like I was in highschool again. I don’t think I’ll do it again (not that it’s a bad survey.)
I was just chilling at home, waiting to have coffee with a good friend of mine at 10:30. Watched some TV and whatnot. Got on the road at 10:20ish.
I was on the freeway, just an exit away from my friend’s house when a herd of deer jumped out in front of me. I didn’t have time to react, and there were like 4 of them and I was going like 70 miles an hour. I slammed on my brakes and I lost control of my car. I swerved into the other lane (luckily my side of traffic, not into oncoming traffic) and I don’t remember what happened after that. I assume that I stopped eventually, but by the time I came to, I saw the deer running off, pretty far from my car, and my car was off the shoulder in this grassy field (thank God it wasn’t 20 feet further otherwise it would have been a barrier or a hill that was steep and would have totaled my car) and about 5 feet from hitting a sign on the side of the road. I don’t know why I can’t remember how I got off the road and I think I was just in shock and I can remember that feeling of losing control of my car and freaking out and just screaming “no no no no no… not now” and then waking up and my parking brake was up and my car was on the side of the road. I proceeded to shake uncontrollably and then managed to calm myself down, and then figured I would drive to my friend’s house because what could anyone do that I called. I was alive, nothing was hurt. My car still drives. I couldn’t believe it though. No one stopped who was going by and there was even someone behind me that I may or may not have nearly hit. I can’t remember. I just remember being shocked.
It’s crazy that I am alive. I was going really fast. I was going too fast. My car fishtailed and is incredibly top heavy. And somehow, my car corrected itself and just went off the road, despite it just having rained a bit. It’s a miracle that nothing more happened. I didn’t hit the deer, I didn’t get flipped, I didn’t hit the sign-post or the call box, I didn’t go careening off the hill and into the ditch or roll at all.
I’m going to say that there was something more there. And I’m really thankful for that. It scared me pretty good.
Or at least a little bit of an escape from a society that seems to not be able to make change.
I love people, I do.
But right now everything inside of me is yearning for a more holistic connection to the earth that I live in.
I just want to run away. Far away from here. To find God. To find nature.
I think that what frustrates me the most is that people don’t understand that we don’t have time.
We are just running out of time.
I wish I could say that we had time to make sure that all companies could have a soft landing when they are ordered to stop polluting the environment.
I wish that I could say we had time to let the people behind the face of the insurance companies rebound and find other jobs to help keep their families fed in the face of changing healthcare.
But we don’t. There isn’t time before humanity destroys itself. Or maybe the earth does.
Either way, I think that we are at a point where if we do not change, there will be no going back, and the repercussions will be more severe than any one person can imagine. And we will be here to live through it.
I’m So damn sick of scuba people telling me I can’t dive because my stupid asthma. It’s so stupid. And you know what really pisses me off? People who don’t know anything about asthma being stupid and talking about it. Many people are not triggered by stress.
I’m starting to get pissed again. When I was 15 I was told that “I wouldn’t be Jaques Custeau” and that I “should just give up the dream” because I was asthmatic. Ugh. The place that told me that was Aqua Safari’s in Santa Cruz. Feel free to not ever give them business. They wanted me to go to a doctor in San Jose who went out of business because he got sued so many times for malpractice and get checked.
I found a metered dose/regulator thing online today. I contacted the company. Here’s to hoping!
I also found out that the test to be considered able to dive is to run outside till your heart rate reaches 190 (for me) and then not showing signs of anything for 3 mins. I’m going to try tomorrow morning.
I’m scared that my dad will sell the house that I was raised inside,
I’ll be alien to rooms in which I spent my life,
and that all the thing I made will get lost and and go away,
like the sounding of a string in their decay,
and that everyone I know will someday loose their homes and someday be afraid.
… I”m scared that I will only ever live inside my mind,
I’m scared that I’ll be sad and singing sorrow my whole life.
I’m scared to die.
I’m scared to die, alone.
I have a lot to say tonight tumblr. I have a couple things that have been seriously floating around my mind lately. Here goes.
The question is why am I sick a lot. I don’t really understand, but I have had 4 colds this year. 4! and I had a gnarly fever and I don’t really understand what is going on. I think it is stemming from the fact that i have been making really poor food choices, so as of tomorrow (or today) I am going to try and diet. I’m going to be avoiding:
Sugar that comes in boxes and that is bubbly.
Dark Red Meats.
I will then continue dieting until it becomes habit. I’ll be allowing myself 2 break days, days where I can eat things, like Christmas.
Even though I don’t really eat that much on Christmas.
Okay this isn’t the deep stuff you were expecting, I’m sure, but it just takes me a while.
Lately I’ve been really stressed out and I don’t really know why. I’ve had a really chill semester, and my finals haven’t been too bad. I’ve just been really interesting lately. I don’t have a great handle on myself when I get busy. I kinda start doing things that are pretty crazy and that don’t make any sense.
I’ve been missing bits and peices from my old life.
from the past I guess.
I don’t really have an “old life”. I have a past, like everyone else on the planet. And I miss it sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. I snap out of it eventually. But man, when that past invades your dreams to the point where you wake up thinking that you are still there, in that moment, in that place, its rough. Waking up and being in the same small dingy room that has pink wall paper, aquariums and mold is hard when you think your living in South Africa. Thinking your still in your room.
But as much as you like the past, it’s the past. You can’t go back to it. You can’t go back to going to Ice Cream Socials in the little red church and you can’t go back to Africa and you can’t catch fish at die kom, and there’s nothing you can do about that.
You have to move on. I guess that’s just a part of life. It may have been the best time of your life, but I think we all know that is isn’t true.
Sometimes I miss church.
Church is complicated for me. After Africa, its hard to go back.
I am selfish. It’s true. I look at churches based on what they can offer me. That isn’t good.
Things I am thankful for? Calvary Chapel Aptos’ youth group and Seth and Leah. I realized just how big of an impact they had. How important they were to getting us plugged back into real life. IN the crazy transition that was moving back to the states in the aftermath of the affair and the forgiveness that needed to happen, and how to adapt to a new environment. To a different culture than we had ever experienced, to live in a place where the people were cold and uncaring. They were a ray of sunlight in what could have been a really dark cold time.
And now she is having double lung transplant. It’s done now. Its just crazy. Life is crazy.
I’m really wanting to reconnect.
I’m wanting to plug back in, but that plugging back in is hard.
It’s been so long.
And I’ve been to so many churches.
And I just don’t fit anymore.
Its a strange feeling.
I just don’t fit anymore.
Anyway. I feel a bit better tumblr. Thank you. Theres so much more I could talk about, but its 1 am.
"The Avalanche- Outtakes and Extras from the Illinoise Album"
"If my father took his life For the national plan, I don’t care I’m not about to stick my grave with an Apron and a bucket of plans, never ever I can take the pillow cases Off the yellow pillows Make a property line from the bed In the living room, the living room The morning papers made the most Out of nothing at all”
-Springfield, or Bobby got a shadfly caught in his hair
I think that there are songs on here that are just absolutely amazing. They are a great Having a good day mix of songs with the ammount of seriousness that you expect from Sufjan Stevens and an appropriately significant ammount of songs that are not as serious. Chicago is on here in various forms (my favorite being the Adult Contemporary Version). One of the songs that stands out for me the most on the entire Album is “Pittsfield”. The song is hauntingly beautiful, quiet and triumphant. “The Mistress Witch from McClure” is a sad tale of infidelity and the shock of being a child and finding out about it, something that hits a heart string for me.
I’m exhaused and don’t want to make a link for yall.
The album is Called “The Avalanche” and the whole name is above. It’s on Itunes. The songs are great. If you like Chicago, you will like this album.