I just realized that I sent an email to my professor rather than the person with the same name thats actually in my group. I hate making a fool of myself in front of my professors. Whatever, there’s nothing that I can do about it.
There’s something that’s really been bothering me about a few of the classes that I have been taking. Its this idea that volunteering is a horrid thing to do, unless you have the right attitude, and you can do a lot of damage while intending to do good.
While I fully agree with this, it still bothers me. Has all the work that i have done, all the plane trips and hours walking from house to house, talking with people, conversing with people, trying to see their lives, has this damaged these people? Have I left a reinforcement of the “American middle class is the way to live” Ideals in their head.
I shutter at the thought. I don’t know how I feel about this, and its perhaps why this is bothering me so much. I’m sitting here in the library, reading a book about this guy named Valentino who escaped from Sudan when the civil war started. The war started over things that have been brought in by travelers. I wonder if it is even possible to not impact the community your in? Should you even go? Does what I want to do with my life impact others?
My thinking behind what i am going to do kind of deviates from the norm. I realize that every culture, despite how different and interesting they are, has thier own different customs. I want to some day leave my country, my customs, my beliefs behind and go.
I don’t want to take my commercialism with me. Is that possible? I don’t really know. I want to leave behind every semblance of my lower middle class upbringing and understand that every culture is different, and at times you have to embrace what they have, and that they are HAPPY in what they are doing.
This is why i hate the term “Missionary.” It conjours up ideas of David Livingston, Christopher Columbus and nearly all the Spanish who successfully wiped out most of the population of Latin America.
So Who is Right? What is right? I don’t know.
Sometimes I wish that life would just be one giant ball of easy to figure out. But i know that will never happen.
Sitting in the library, looking out over the ocean and the rest of the bay is really just… peaceful. I’m happy to spend my next 2 hours in here, as there is no better view that I could drive to with my car.
Everything seems like a twisted game of who can step on eachother’s toes least. And Please don’t say something that will offend me, and even if it doesn’t, don’t say it too quickly, even if were both thinking it.
This is what I have decided. And I’m sticking with it.
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world mad world
“Are you bored with life? Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with all your heart, live for it, die for it, and you will find happiness that you had thought could never be yours.”—Audrey Hepburn (via littlemiss)
The excitement of new classes, new professors, new ideas, places, states of being, all contained in one small instituion on an old Military Base in monterey. The idea of new friends, meeting new people, new everything, its exciting, exhilirating.
And why now its giving out to the anxiousness that perhaps was kept inside, the fear of being wrong, in the wrong class in the wrong place at the wrong time. I need to ensure that today is being enjoyed for being today.
Its crazy. I can’t believe that it started again. Somehow all the stamina that I once had for class was lost in the excitement.
New people. New Places. New things. A new life for me? Perhaps. Maybe well see each other, maybe we wont. Either way, I’m excited. And scared and anxious and really not hungry but very hungry at the same time. Perhaps I’m getting sick. I thought that last night when it was 3:00 AM and I couldn’t sleep.
Perhaps that explains the waves of embarased excitment that I have, the inexplicable sweats that I seem ot be breaking out into, sheerly at the though of going somewhere where I might not be known. By anyone. And In that, I can be truly KNOWN.
Live life without Regrets. But what kind of regrets? The I wish I had, or the I wish I hadn’ts?
B) No matter how good food looks, you can’t eat it.
Interestingly enough, sometimes really good things can come out of crappy situations, like getting a new laptop battery by accident because HP made a crappy hinge in your laptop. Now I can use it for school!
I just watched the second chronicles of narnia “Prince Caspian” and there was a really amazing part of the movie where Edmund tries to attack the human castle without Aslan. Susan asks him, just after he screams, “For Narnia!”, who are you doing this for?
Aaron, Who are you doing this for? Should it be for Narnia? Or Aslan?
You can only walk fences for so long, before you fall to the ground in a fashion that is reminscent of every model that falls on the cat walk, ever person that falls off a curb, and with embarasment and shame you get up and keep walking with your tail between your legs. But eventually, the wounds become scars, and then begin to fade, your tail rises to its former position, and you continue going back through life the way you were supposed to.